EPISODE 1 rewrite (beginning)

Ext. lunchtime. Episode 1

DYLAN

Here Binky, street meat, just like you asked.

BINKY

I think my favorite thing about this meal is the way I can feel it stick to my colon. Did you get extra special sauce on it?

DYLAN

Of course. Now sign here.

Binky signs a small notebook Dylan has brought out.

DYLAN

And initial here.

He does.

DYLAN

And date here, here and here.

He complies.

Then starts eating.

DYLAN

How is it?

BINKY

It's cold. What did you get?

DYLAN

Mexican.

BINKY

I know, I see it. But what did you get?

DYLAN

I got a burrito.

BINKY

It looks good. Is it hot?

DYLAN

Yeah.

BINKY

Is it hot spicy or is the temperature of the food what you are describing as hot?

DYLAN

(beat)

Do you want some?

BINKY

No, it's probably cold anyways.

DYLAN

I was going through the ledger the other day and I've come to realize that we're almost squared off.

BINKY

Can't be.

DYLAN

It is. After you finish that construction worker special, I owe you five more official lunches and we are even.

BINKY

So I've got a couple of months.

DYLAN

No, Binky. You're coming here once a week until we straighten this out because I don't owe debts, I am owed them.

BINKY

Free lunches remind me of elementary school when Binky Sr. was laid off and Mom had to start scrubbing semis at the local car wash.

DYLAN

(makes 'jerking' hand motion)

Scrubbing semis?

(beat)

So what'd you do this weekend?

BINKY

Not much. Wrote some songs. Watched a lot of VH1 Classics. You?

DYLAN

I got a new personal trainer. She's a former Cowboys Cheerleader.

BINKY

Nice, what did you do?

DYLAN

That IS what I did.

BINKY

I had a personal trainer for a while but it didn't work out.

Cut To:

Binky sitting on his couch stoned out of his mind and eating popcorn watching Jane Fonda mesmerized. Or watching Richard Simmons and laughing his ass off.

Back:

DYLAN

That's good. It's really important to stay healthy.

BINKY

I know, preventative medicine saves lives.

DYLAN

Well, no, a good healthcare plan saves lives, but if you want an enviable sex life and career you have to look good.

BINKY

I talked to Lola this weekend.

DYLAN

You keep up with Lola?

BINKY

Yeah. Kind of.

DYLAN

Where is she, she's out West, right?

BINKY

Yeah, she' in LA. She's been really busy with the photography. She sounds good though, I might try and visit her over the summer.

DYLAN

You should let me know, maybe I'll come along.

BINKY

Oh, right. Are you going to fly coach with me?

DYLAN

Coach? Look at this belt I'm wearing.

Dylan stands up with his crotch uncomfortably close to Binky's face.

BINKY

It's a nice belt.

DYLAN

What do you think that it is made out of?

BINKY

I don't know. Felt?

DYLAN

Felt? What the, what kind of answer is that.

BINKY

It's not felt.

DYLAN

No. It's not felt.

BINKY

Well it looks nice anyways.

DYLAN

Take another guess.

BINKY

Nylon.

DYLAN

What?! No. It's ostrich. Ostrich leather.

BINKY

Wow. Cool. I've eaten Ostrich once, a long time ago.

DYLAN

Well this, Bink, you cannot eat. Do you know how much I paid for this?

BINKY

Should I?

DYLAN

Absolutely not. But take a guess.

BINKY

Was it on sale?

DYLAN

It was not on sale.

BINKY

Did you get it at a department store?

DYLAN

No, Binky, I did not get it an department store.

BINKY

Did it come with a pair of pants?

DYLAN

Eleven hundred dollars. I paid eleven hundred dollars for this belt, because it was handmade from an ostrich hunted down in it's natural habitat, not slaughtered on a farm.

BINKY

That's cool. I don't imagine ostrich are that elusive of a predator. But that's cool man.

DYLAN

Eleven hundred dollars!

BINKY

That's more than I have in my bank account. How can you tell it is ostrich?

DYLAN

I mean, it doesn't look like any of my other belts. And I don't have any other ostrich belts.

BINKY

What about shoes? Do you have any ostrich shoes? You could compare.

DYLAN

I don't have ostrich shoes. Why would I want ostrich shoes.

BINKY

I've had ostrich before. That definitely looks like ostrich.

DYLAN

This british guy that sold it to me, he said it was Ostrich.

BINKY

Dude was British?

DYLAN

Yeah, and he wore a safari outfit.

BINKY

Why?

DYLAN

Why?

BINKY

Yeah, why? There's no safari in England?

DYLAN

He looked legit.

BINKY

I'm sure he was.

DYLAN

He said, "This belt is made from the finest Ostrich in Europe, expertly hunted down by a friend of mine with a bow and arrow from 200 yards." I mean, he was definitely legit.

BINKY

Definitely not fraudulent. Dylan. Show this weekend, you're invited.

DYLAN

I'll be there.

BINKY

You always say that.

DYLAN